Crazy Ramblings When One Is Too Tired

Saturday, Jan. 14, 2006 ~ 11:52 p.m.

I am beginning to feel so strung out and aggressive. Spread so thin over a long sequence of stresses and problems. Things will hopefully shape up in about three weeks. Things will be better. I will be able to breathe. I will stop feeling cold. The hand that clutches my chest every now and again will let go.

This can't fall through.. this has to happen..

For some reason the federal election coming up is only adding to my stress and anxiety. That and the deterioration of good customer service on the North Side of the City (yes, I went back to Blockbuster, YES, I had another horrible experience, NO, I am really NOT going back this time, no matter what I say.), and the rain that has taken away all of our snow and turned it into slick, bottle bottom glass that slides my feet out from under my body so smoothly. Also adding to the anxiety is the way that I fall so hard, so fast, with no hope for recuperation. And then I pick myself up. I always do.

I think I have come to a conclusion. I have gotten this all out of my system and figured out the entire Mike thing. I know you're getting tired of hearing about it, I know it's been two years. I know I have been hanging on too long to hurt and bitterness. Yes, I am angry, but yes, I can forgive him for letting me go. I cannot, yet forgive him for the way that he persued me so AGGRESSIVELY when I was in such a state of vulnerability, and once he had me, when things got difficult, it was no longer convenient. I was no longer worth his time. He could no longer see himself loving me for a long time like he had promised. I cannot forgive him for making me feel like shit for the last two years. For making me feel like I was not worth his time.

I AM worth his time. I am worth ANYBODY'S time. I have a lot to offer, I am an amazing person. I have many talents and skills, more than I can count off the top of my head, and none of them conventional. I am ready to stop suffering, like I have said so many times over the last two years.

I am ready to stop suffering and start purging. I am ready to get this out of my system. I am ready to WRITE, Goddamnit, I am ready to bare my soul on paper again and not care who the hell reads it or what they think or how they want to judge me, because I WILL be purified. That's all there is to it. I AM READY after two years of letting it all hole up inside of me and keep me silent to LET IT ALL OUT. It won't be pretty, it will be messy, it will be chaotic, but it will be me, in the rawest, purest form. This is my writing project. This is my project. This is my project to bring myself out of the layers and layers that have been holding me back for so long, emotionally and physically.

I am ready to let 2006 be a year of total change in my life. I went to visit my brother the other night, in his new house, with his new mortgage, and his new dog, and his new life. I was proud of him. I had forgiven him in my mind many years ago, when I was 16, at camp one year, but I still let myself burn with resentment, bitterness and anger when I saw him, regardless of what I had told myself and a group of about 60 others at Green Hill Lake Camp one night, around the campfire, when everyone was crying and giving testimony. When I sat and listened to God, and actually heard him. When I told the story of my life with tears coming out of my eyes and staining my cheeks. I forgave him then, I professed to the group sitting around the fire with eyes eager to eat up my pain and offer me support that I had abolished all my bitterness, but I still let a little bit live in the corner of my heart. I didn't feel any of that this week, visiting Josh. I recognized his life, and I loved it. I loved him for it. I felt no anger, no disappointment, no desire for more from him. He is doing the best that he can and that is all that I can ask. I will follow his example and do the best that I can. That is all I can ask of myself.

It may take the whole year to move me, to completely purge me of all the dirty parts of my soul, but it will happen. I have found, through experience, trial and error, that I am not the sort of person who takes well to completely turning my life around, I need to take it small step at a time.. and I'm going to do it slow but sure this time. It will happen.